Dear Diary,
I don’t know if I’m technically Irish or not, but I know I was last night! Hooo-weee! Or should I say, bloody g’day mate!
I know what you’re thinking Diary, but what’s the point of being on the wagon if you can’t fall off every once in a while?
I woke up with a big ol’ headache this morning. Now I know why my daughters get mad if I call them before noon.
Dick and Karl were talking about the Haiti insurrection at this morning’s meeting, but all I could think about was the insurrection in my noggin. I think they asked me something about installing a shadow-puppet-something-or-other. I was so out of it I just nodded my head at everything.
I’m going to go have another V-8.
gwb
Dear diary,
It’s PRESIDENT’S DAY today. I’m not sure where Cheney and Wolfey are though. They told me last night they’d be around to celebrate the greatest of all the holidays with me, drink some wine (not French), break some Union workers’ pinkeys (Pinkos’ Pinkeys, as I like to call them), and burn some Dixie Chick’s posters (Pinko Chicks, heh heh).
Ma called to wish me a happy PRESIDENTS DAY a couple hours ago and I swear I heard Cheney and Paul in the background laughing with dad. Dammit! I’m so sick of his shadow, diary! The man only had one term! He got beat by some philandering southerner, for Bushsakes!
I’m the president now, not HIM! They’re MY advisors, not HIS!
Dammit, sometimes I just want to dress Laura up in S&M and have her walk on my back with high-heel boots while I’m chained to the presidential seal on the floor of the oval office. And if she won’t do it I know mom will.
I just want to hurt so I can know what happiness feels like.
Alone in my castle,
GWB
I'm so sick and tired of these liberals saying that Saddam wasn't a threat, that he didn't have weapons of mass destruction.
Who cares! He COULD have!
I saw a homeless man walking on the street in front of the White House and had a big coat on. So I ordered him killed. He could have had a knife or gun or one of them dirty bombs under there!
So there's no smoking gun. So what! We're safer with Saddam gone, and we'll be safer with Jaques Chirac gone! He's part of a growing coalition of the unwilling that threatens our way of life.
If you're not with us, you're against us.
GWB4EVER
Dear Diary,
Last night I speaked about how we need to teach the funalmentals in our pubic schools. I also said that athletes shouldn't use steroids because they're drugs and because drugs are bad.
GWB
P.S. I asked mom about MLK and she told me not to worry about it. She said that I won't be seeing any more of it until next year.
1/19/04
Dear Diary,
What does MLK stand for? I'm seeing these letters a lot recently and I have no idea what they mean.
I think I'll ask mom.
I'd ask Laura, but she's pretty busy. She's always cleaning and cooking and teaching children how to read. I don't know what I would do if she were like that Clinton wife ... caring about real important issues and all, using her status as the presidents wife as a political tool. Women shouldn't be ambitious like that.
I visited the grave of some really important black man last week. His wife went with me, and I heard some people behind some busses yelling things at me. Rove told me that they wanted to see me because they were my fan club and they were happy I was there at the grave.
That doesn't make much sense to me, but Rove hasn't steered me wrong yet. I thought I heard some curse words though...
Aw well, I'm going to go ask mom what MLK stands for.
GWB
Dear diary,
Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been all caught up in campaigning ... even though I just told the press that I'm not concerned with campaigning at all yet. That'll fool em! Those shills are so willing to suck lies from my administrative boobs. It's really great.
Ya know what I've been thinkin' a lot about lately?
Space.
Space is so cool. I remember watching Uhura back when I was a little snapper ... and even though daddy told me that she wasn't really a woman ... that she was one of those aliens that we see sometimes when we had to drive through the city ... I still thought she really had some punch, and pizazz, and an ass that wouldn't quit.
The more I think about it, the more I can see how Strom Thurman could have made whoopy with a woman from the dark continent.
So space. The news is all over this stuff. They're talking about me having VISION and a SENSE OF ADVENTURE.
Well what they are saying is totally right!
I know we can be living on the moon in just over a decade if we really put our minds to it. Sure, we'll have to make sure all the aliens up there are dead, and it may be a bloody battle, but dag nabbit, I believe the American people deserve to live on the moon in cramped quarters, eating dehydrated food, always fearful of a window breaking and getting sucked out into space! SENSE OF ADVENTURE, damn straight!
But the real reason I want to go to space? Lasers.
I love those things! Twoo! Twoo! Twoo!
A colony on the moon would be awesome, but it would never be safe unless we had a super duper space laser in every home. Oh, and we need some really big lasers pointed at earth, just in case my poll numbers start dipping ... lower.
Diary, you're probably wondering why I'm thinking about my polls numbers ten years from now. I'll tell you a little secret ... I'm not leaving the White House. Rove and Wolfowitz have come up with a great plan called, Operation Martial Law Presidency.
What a cool name, huh!! So covert and sneaky!
Oh, gotta go, Ma's on the phone.
GWB4EVER
12-29-03
Dear diary,
I ate a hamburger today and I didn't get Mad Cow disease. I had it with ketchup and onions, but not tomatoes. Yuck!
Mom called today to tell me she thought I was doing a great job. She said that dad sends his best. Oh diary, when will he see me as a man? What am I gonna have to do?
Condi bent over in front of me and for a second there I kind of felt like Strom Thurmond.
That's all for now,
GWB
